Holiday Madness

Holiday time gave me a chance to catch up on things that needed doing, but that I never have time to do -- passport renewal application, re-connecting a phone that Bell disconnected in error, a wedding present for a dear friend. All these little tasks involved encounters with systems, bureaucracies and moments that were surrealistic. The wedding present ran into a hitch when The Bay phoned back to tell me they couldn’t process my phone order (my friend having registered with The Bay) until I phoned their credit department. The credit department informed me that because I had not used the card in over a year, they had cancelled it. I protested that I had just activated my new Bay card and been told by their automated lady by phone that my card was good. “Yes,” said the poor fellow in credit. “Your card is good, but your account is closed.” I told him I thought that was a distinction most customers would not grasp. The Bell experience was too much for me so my daughter and I alternated on hold with different attendants to try to re-connect the second phone line in the house. The problem was that I had been using tele-banking to pay my Bell bill, and (all unawares) had been paying an account that was not attached to an actual phone bill, while one phone line in the house ended up unpaid. Bell happened to disconnect the phone while I was in hospital with my hip replacement. Once I was home from the hospital, it took me hours with their credit staff at a call centre in India to figure out what happened. Hours of calls finally allowed Bell to transfer money from the phantom account to the real one. Somehow I never had time to take the next step of getting the service reinstated. We tried that today. Our surreal phone moment was when they asked me to prove my identity by telling them the reference name I used to get the original account. I thought mother’s maiden name or birth date were for such confirmations. We have had the same phone number for over 18 years and in different homes. I wasn’t sure whose name I would have used and figured if I at least knew in what year the account was set up, that would help. So I asked. She said “I am afraid I cannot tell you that.” Catch 22. I lucked out and guessed my dad. That worked! Meanwhile, my daughter tried to get a phone number for a great second hand clothing store through the voice recognition system. She spoke clearly “Clothes Encounters of a Second Kind” The information computerized voice replied “We have several listings for Ottawa City Hall.” We got a bad case of the giggles. The best moment had to be in the passport renewal line. I had been waiting for over an hour (which is not bad given my experience with passport line ups). I was nearly at the window when my papers were reviewed to make sure I was ready. The officious line agent told me I had omitted filling out the section on credit card information. I said that in the instructions it had said that section only needed to be filled out if you are not renewing your passport in person. “Yes,” he said, “but you are not renewing in person.” This nonplussed me totally….”I am here in front of you. I am here in person.” “No,” he explained. “This line is for people not renewing in person. This is a service we offer to speed up the process. If you want to renew in person it will take another three hours.” I totally understand why Canadians feel strangled in red tape. Press 1 to agree. Press 2 to disagree. Press 3 to ask how we got to be so over-taken by a lack of common sense. Press 4 to repeat this message. Press 5 to scream. Happy New Year!